I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
You Might Also Like
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following