I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
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Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
spirit airlines customer service rep just said “Q as in cute”
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Seems kinda suspicious
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Me driving through Toronto
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.