I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
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just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Happy thanksgiving
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree