I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
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“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
My wife gives the best headache.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.