I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
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me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Hard not to take this personally
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.