I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
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This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate