I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
