I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
