I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
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Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
For example:
– Jill ate her friend’s sandwich.
– Jill ate her friend’s colon.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions
Mi casa es su casa, where casa is not equal to the last beer in the fridge.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.