I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
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I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”