I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
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[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Camel dough
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text