I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
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Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?