I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
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I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname