Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…

[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks

me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape