hello I cannot come to work today I’m thinking about sad ghost pigeons slowly sinking down through the statues they loved to sit on in life.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
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Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life