I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
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#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”