I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
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Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.