I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
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ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
pizza
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Do not levitate over flowers
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder