“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
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[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it