“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
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My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.