“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
You Might Also Like
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…
Pun in, ten dead
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.