Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming

“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

Lassie, get help!

The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you