I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

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The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.


My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.


bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.


Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!


I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them


A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic


[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die


“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”


I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.