I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
You Might Also Like
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Today’s Times
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
every single time
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
