Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft

me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?

cop:

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”