Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!

*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

[first day as a scientist]

*accidentally finishes science*

HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely

Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.