Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?

this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about

Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”