Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”

– condescending con descending

I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.

[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.

What have I done to deserve this oh yeah

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.

Anyone want some garlic banana bread?

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!