Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season

God: you’re a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: w-what was that?

Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.

God: a baby shark-

Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.

God: that’s like super annoying.

Baby Shark: hee hee.

God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.

A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

ㅤ

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet