i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
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Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
My birthstone is pecan pie.