i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
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The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Lmbo
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.