I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.
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Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Hoping to spice up my evening
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Told the assistant at the eye doctor’s I thought my eyes got worse, but they haven’t. My glasses were dirty.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.