Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries