Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!

1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.

Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?

Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?

Her:

Me: I’ll be the thimble.

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

I’m going to need a moment here.

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.