Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

legolas: you have my bow

gimli: and my axe

[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]

me: you may have a SMALL bite

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

[first day as a mechanic]

customer: can i get a quote?

me: give me liberty or give me death

customer: i meant for the truck

me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got six months.

I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?

My Kid: yes.

Me: and the milk?

My Kid: yup!

Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?

My Kid: (sigh) yes.

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks