Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.

me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

I have written yet another poem about laundry

My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

I don’t care what the scale says.

I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single

Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.

my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice