Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.

Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

I am patiently waiting for your email

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist

They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.

If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

I would move hell over six inches for you