Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

[sinking in quicksand]

me: oh no

wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help

me: ok

[mambo no. 5 starts to play]

me: OH NO

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…

They have an Elon Musk.

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

🤣

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit

Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

I think this should do it.

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken