Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

👀

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful