Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

not sure why we don’t use this thing more often

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.

.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.

Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫

Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit