I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
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Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
playing pool? you mean swimming?
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.