I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
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I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School