Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car

COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale

Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*

Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

Aaaa…CHOO!

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

I wanted to look sharp!

Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.

Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…

Now, I look like an idiom.