I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
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I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
thank god the sign was there
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
