Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

The only good comments section online is on recipes

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

Me *watching HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS*

My husband: why are you taking notes

Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!