Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

Sharon, call the vet

The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

It is my birthday. 🥳

If you’re American, please vote

If you’re not American, marry me

Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different

Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base

Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.

Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie

Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.

Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

[deparment store]

Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside

Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*

Snake: woofssssss

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine