Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

You know how I know society sets us up to fail?

Roombas only work if your house is already clean.

Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…

How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

Challenge accepted.

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

What’s your favorite position?

Me: sleeping

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti

Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

Green is just blue that someone peed in

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line