I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
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me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Monica just destroyed the internet
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Emma is smarter than all of us.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday