I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
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Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.