I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
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“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies