I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
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Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.