I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
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*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I wish I could veto my bills.