Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends, into what?”

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien

therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources

bezos: so that i can build my spaceship

therapist:

bezos: *licks eyeball*

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

therapist: describe this picture

me: that’s my father yelling at me

therapist: and this one

me: you having sex with my wife

therapist: and this one

me: aren’t these normally ink blots

let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth

this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

every olympics i turn into this guy

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this

I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty