I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
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omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Practicing safe sax
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.