I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
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I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?