Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Why though?

Her: You lie to me constantly

Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

[creation of trees]

god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves

tree: like a big coat?

god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off

tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about

Our generation has its flaws but I know I can message any friend with a random thought/meme at 6am and it won’t disturb them because their phone has been set to silent since 2006

*taps on your head*

“Is this think on?”

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS