I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
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My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*