I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
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Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Meow?
A leaf blower, but for people.