Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”

-women wearing uggs

[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.

*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.

Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope