Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo

damn he’s good

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

what all these pyramids be scheming about?

Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.

[watching a movie]

Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?

Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor

Me:

Him:

Me: *eyes narrow*

Him: *eyes narrow*

*both start frantically googling*

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

my name if I was in the mob

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas