Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

Quadruple digit IQ

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!

ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]

Extraordinary.