I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
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[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Cucumbers Anonymous
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either