I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
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Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Single and childfree like Jesus
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation