Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Airplane]

Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”

My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”

Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”

Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out

3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they just beat the room for being black.

*drops mic, gets beat by security*

Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.

*speed dating*

So which of my teeth is your favorite?

The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.

Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.

[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.