Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.

Mechanic: For how long?

Me: Just until I’m done turning.

Mechanic:

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.

The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

[first day working for IKEA]

Customer: one nightstand please

Me: sorry, I’m married

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

Me: Hi—

Her: I have a boyfriend

Me: —and would you like fries with that?