Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!

ME: [running for my flight]

PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP

Battle of the bird feeder

Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678

I autograph every hotel Bible I find with “Best wishes, JC”.

5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

We know he can swim but…

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan