Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

Guy: I like you.

Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*

ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that

BARBER: wow how much did you eat

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

Empathy: I feel you

Sympathy: I feel for you

Lycanthropy: I feel awoo

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.

My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

ME: whose dog are you

DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL

ME: whose cat are you

CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”