I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
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You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.