Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…

“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

That’s fair

Dudes named Chance never had one.

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

Me *buying alcohol*

Him: I need identification

Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey

Him: I meant you

Me: I’m Jon

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer

[first day as Uber driver]

Me: any song requests?

Passenger: no thanks

Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”