Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*

5: Can we play music in our room?

Me: Sure!

5: Any music?

Me: Whatever you want!

5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!

Me: Nooooooooooooo

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.

I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

December birthdays be like…

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?

This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

There needs to be at least ONE more Nightmare on Elm Street film so that Freddy can invade a comic book nerd’s dream, dress up as Deadpool, and refer to himself as “Fredpool.”

[Me as a zoo tour guide]

Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois

8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-

Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon

8: They’re pand-

Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.

8: Zeb-

Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR

PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work