I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
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sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Blew out my flip flop…
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
These apps are getting out of control.
There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”