Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

Flowers bee like

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

Netflix and awkward silence?

In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.