I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
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*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet