I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
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I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Finally
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer