Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille

“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

Me: get behind me Satan!

Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

i can’t wait that long

My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch